David’s Fundamentalist Sex Ed Storytime Theater
Sittin’ in the drive-thru for Mark Pi’s for a while, I suddenly remembered terrible things. And, as per usual, “terrible” means “stuff I thought was normal at the time, but horrific in hindsight.”
At some point in my high school years, my church had a… class? For boys my age? I can’t remember how this worked. Was it like Sunday afternoon or something? Must have been a one-off thing. But hey had a bunch of high school-aged boys in one of the church’s classrooms (it used to be a school) and we watched some abstinence videos. Maybe this also doubled as an anti-rock music class as well, or we watched stuff about how secular music is the devil at some other time. But anyway. That stuff is old hat. You can probably mostly figure what went on yourselves.
But the thing I suddenly remembered today was something our youth group leaders then told us themselves. They warned us against getting turned on by super models. Because, they explained, super models were… SECRET MALES??? I’m scrambling to remember out how they justified this. Something about how super models are tall or something, so they have like HIDDEN DUDE DNA inside them. The point being, if you jerk off to them, YOU ARE PROBABLY MADE GAY, SO DON’T DO THAT. But seriously, kids, if Cindy Crawford makes you horny, remember that she’s a guy, and so now you like dudes. Which, of course, is terrible.
And holy moley is that a despicable method to use to keep kids from Sin, in all sorts of ways. I’m not even sure I need to list them. There’s like a homophobia/transphobia/general-assholishness turducken involved.
I do vaguely remember some of us (not me) asking amongst ourselves if anyone believed it afterwards. One kid said he didn’t. That was probably the smart kid. I didn’t really talk, ever. And besides, I trusted my church to not lie to me. Not that, you know, this had a huge relevance to me and my really repressed sexual life. I wasn’t spending a lot of time ogling supermodels anyway, so it was just an interesting conspiracy to soak in and mercifully forget for like twenty years.
Besides, there are sexy cartoon ladies out there, and they don’t have to be secretly male unless you wannem to be. LOOPHOLE!
(and, let’s be honest, this “information” probably just made one or two of us even more turned on)
I tried to Google this before writing about it, just to see if this was a widespread phenomenon or just something my church said, but my search came up empty. I’m not even sure what the search terms for that would be. ”Stupid lies churches say to teenagers about sex” is kind of a wide field.
god dammit my church why
i looked up to you jackasses
When I reached the “supermodels are secretly male” I automatically thought “All supermodels or just Andrej Pejic?” (Or, actually, I’m not sure about Pejic’s gender identity. Hope I didn’t accidentally misgender them.) Hot as hell anyway: